The Squirmtrap E-mails: Calvinist Question

From: “Squirmtrap” Squirmtrap@wormneverdies.org
To: “Bitternell” Bitternell@wormneverdies.org
Date: April 21, 2008
Subject: Re: Calvinist Question

My Dear Bitternell,

I note with some amusement your alarm over your patient’s new-found friendship with a young, fervent servant of the Enemy–a Calvinist, I believe he calls himself. You fear that your patient’s theological knowledge and maturity may flourish under such an association. While there is a possibility of the first, the second seems rather unlikely.

Maturity, indeed! What do we know of this particular friend? That he is arrogant, close-minded, and zealously opposed to all traditions outside his own rather narrow one. Unfortunately, this is not the case for all, or even most, of those who claim the tradition of the late Jean Cauvin, that formidable opponent of our Father Below.

I cringe whenever I recall Grimewad’s rather severe chastisement after he failed to keep Monseiur Cauvin from taking on pastoral duties at Geneva, a position he was at first reluctant to accept. As a matter of fact, Grimewad thought he had the matter well in hand and decided to take a brief holiday to attend the Annual Temptor’s Convention. That was a grievous mistake. During Grimewad’s absence, Cauvin (or Calvin, as your patient’s friend knows him) received a visit from one William Farel, whose entreaties convinced him to stay in Geneva. Calvin’s skills were then put directly to use in the Enemy’s camp, rather than confined to a secluded scholar’s retreat where they would likely have caused little harm.

Still, one can’t deny that Grimewad deserved his punishment. I trust he is not enjoying his current post as Chief Responder of Ouija® communications, mostly answering young female adolescents’ foolish inquiries about whether one particular boy or another “likes” them. How the mighty have fallen, Bitternell, how the mighty have fallen! A fair warning to us both to be ever vigilant in our prowling about, lest we end up with a similar ignoble fate.

But back to the matter at hand.

The Calvinist tradition has a fearful history of taking the Enemy’s words seriously, of understanding with terrible clarity the way the Enemy’s hand directs all things, and–perhaps most fearful of all–singing with great vigor and earnestness the words of the Enemy, especially those knows to them as the Psalms. Fortunately for our cause, the latter practice has mostly fallen into disuse. I needn’t remind you that we must do whatever it takes to keep that weapon out of the hands of Enemy troops. If they were to realize the full potential…ah, but let us not dwell on that.

No, it is not the Calvinist tradition that may lend unwitting assistance to the efforts of Our Father Below. It is the Calvinist. At any rate, the type of Calvinist this friend of your patient seems to be…one who thinks himself a modern day Athanasius, standing alone for truth against the entire world (which includes fellow servants of the Enemy). “Too many Athanasii spoil the Bread and Wine,” as we old-timers are fond of saying.

If this friend and his fellow zealot companions were indeed standing alone for the Enemy’s “truth,” then you would have much to fear by their association with your patient. As it is, I think Monseiur Cauvin would hardly recognize the theological sloganeering being hurled about in his name as his own. You and I, however, needn’t concern ourselves at present with the content of the theological debates, merely the manner in which they are conducted. Anonymous attacks, dark hints and insinuations, half-truths, heresy-fear-mongering, all couched in pious language…these are our tools, my dear nephew.

Every group within the Enemy’s camp, not only the “Calvinists,” have their share of crusaders who have become blind to their own errors. When this happens, the Body (as the Enemy calls it) can no longer be discerned. The nose says to the finger, “I have no need of you.” It becomes a cancerous growth, eating away at the healthy tissue–not a surgeon’s knife removing disease (as the zealots are wont to characterize their efforts).

You may be comforted, my dear nephew, that your patient’s Calvinist is of this variety. Let him expose your patient to his denominational fervor and fever—perhaps he will catch the disease as well. As long as he is not, Lucifer forbid, like one of those abominable Bereans, testing whether his friend’s words line up with those of the Enemy’s, all should be well.

Your affectionate Uncle,
Squirmtrap